Steptoe & Son

Scene 1: Knock on front door, lethargic walk towards door from Albert to answer it.

Door opens to a man dressed all in purple with white book open, he

commences to read.

MAN AT DOOR: This Holy evening was given to you by the son of Sacred Julien of Sahara of

which unto you comes blessing upon donation to the fund of....

ALBERT : Ah get stuffed.

MAN AT DOOR: And blessing you my sacred son too... the end is nigh upon which...

(Door slammed in his face)

MAN AT DOOR: (Through letter box) And I recite from page 47, verse 5. My brother who fell

to earth from...

(Albert kicks at door, the letter box flap shuts and the voice reading book

walks away still reciting)

VICAR : (Sitting in front room) They're putting on rather a rally aren't they?

HAROLD : Every five minutes it's been this evening. Before you turned up we’d had the

Jeohova Witness's, Buddhists of the West London Ltd, Catholics

Annonymous and The Hindu Society of Shephards Bush.

ALBERT : Yeah, he was a nice gentlemen, gave me some priceless tips on cooking a

lamb tikka masala.

HAROLD : Wasn't that nice with you though when you didn't actually sign up for him

hey? What was that he called you? Hey? A white eastend poof !

I tell you vicar it's getting worse. With these new religions popping up

everyday it’s close to bedlam. I mean we've even had the Liberated Followers

of Christ's Holy Footprints from Geniona.

VICAR : Where?

HAROLD : Exactly. This goes on much longer we'll need a dagger and shield to get out

of here of an evening just to get to the karsey.

VICAR : Yes, it’s all since the lottery fund put up the £40,000 towards Shephards Bush

most followed religious group. It was only Christianity and Judaism that

offered their doors to our residents. Since the news has spread about the

£40,000 there’s been eight new religions registered in the last week. I’m afraid

all with insincere motives.

HAROLD : Isn’t that what they're all about ?

VICAR : Well Mr Steptoe, all I can say is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion

and own beliefs, but to that of an English working class man the Holy

Christian Church is where he should spend his sunday mornings speaking to

our glorious God.

HAROLD : I'm sorry Vicar, I do feel that I have more than justified my non beliefs into

your religion or that of any other as a matter of fact. I must say that

everybody’s belief in their holy grail only cements into my mind the higher

possibilty of there actually being nothing up beyond the clouds.

ALBERT : (To Harold) Ah, you think you're one of these new age TV critics. You’ll see,

when you get to my age you'll want something to believe in.

HAROLD : Nobody in their right mind, this day and age, needs religion. It’s the route of all

evil.

ALBERT : How dare you! Brought you up as a Christian child and you stand there and

diss the holy black book.

HAROLD : Brought up as a Christian? How many times did you take me to church, hey?

ALBERT : I took you every Sunday morning.

HAROLD : Dumped me there more like, I endured choir practice for three years solid just

so that you could get down to the pub for the morning session. And you only

stopped that when the church got rid of me ?

VICAR : Got rid of you Mr Steptoe ?

HAROLD : Yeah, my voice broke.

VICAR : Oh, I see.

HAROLD : And even after that you volunteered my services to cutting the lawn round the

church every weekend.

ALBERT : I thought you enjoyed it?

HAROLD : What, a twelve year old boy, working in a graveyard in the early hours of the

morning surrounded by death and spirits? Could have damaged my mind for

all we know.

ALBERT : Ah, so you do believe in something then?

HAROLD : Life after death is not a religion. It’s more an explanation as to, well, to what

happens next as such.

(Knock on front door)

ALBERT : (To Harold) It’s your turn.

(Harold gets up and goes to open front door)

(To Vicar) Have you got anyone else touting for you tonight vicar ?

VICAR : No, I’m afraid not. Just me and my wife this evening.

ALBERT : You should give her a buzz on the mobile, tell her to come round for a drop of

scotch.

VICAR : Oh, she doesn’t believe in alcohol these day Mr Steptoe.

ALBERT : Oh, she turned all muslim then ?

VICAR : Sorry ?

(Harold opens door, blonde twenty something girl stands at door, Harold is

transfixed)

GIRL : Hello Sir.

HAROLD : Good evening, can I help you ?

GIRL : I’m here representing my beliefs this evening.

HAROLD : Are you ?

GIRL : Yes I am Sir. I wanted to have a few minutes of your time if I may ?

HAROLD : Oh, of course.

ALBERT : Who is it this time ?

HAROLD : (To girl at door) Do excuse me a minute (Shouts towards living room at

Albert) It’s just someone about a new service.

GIRL : Oh, I’m not here offering my services in that way, I must say.

HAROLD : Oh no, I know that, I’m just…..

ALBERT : (From living room) Tell them to get stuffed.

GIRL : I’m not here to get stuffed either.

HAROLD : Oh, where are my manners, do come in.

ALBERT : (To Vicar) I bet that was the Scientology lot, they leafleted this morning

promising a pass by. Think by sticking Tom Cruise’s face on a flyer that they’ll

get my vote... no chance.

VICAR : Hardly a noble man.

ALBERT : Now if they’d stuck a picture of Pamela Anderson, I might have been

persuaded, hey Vicar?

VICAR : (Embarassed smile)

HAROLD : (Walking in to living room, introducing Girl at door) Er, this is….

GIRL : Trisha.

HAROLD : From…. From the…. ehhhh?

GIRL : The 'Women and Alcohol Followers Institute'.

VICAR : You must be a new addition, I do not recall your name on the register.

GIRL : We registered this morning Vicar.

HAROLD : Hardly a religious statement, are you on to something new on the horizons of

new found beliefs ?

ALBERT : Women and Alcohol following ?

GIRL : Yes, you see Tracy and Liana from the Skinners Arms founded it.

VICAR : Based on what theory ?

GIRL : Well, they thought that as most of you men spend the greater part of your

lives worshiping them both, votes wouldn’t be hard to come by.

HAROLD : Here, a following with a sense of humor. You get my vote. (He signs her clip

board that she offers him)

VICAR : I see, I must be on my way to enlighten the world of Christ on to the more

creative members of our society.

ALBERT : I’ll see you out Vicar.

HAROLD : Goodnight Vicar. (To girl) Would you like a drink ?

GIRL : I see you already believe in half of our mission statement then sir.

HAROLD : (Looks girl up and down) I’m pretty much hooked up on the other half as well.

GIRL : That’s just as well for it is rather chilly in this store room.

ALBERT : (Re entering living room) This ain’t our store room, cheeky cow.

GIRL : Eitherway, I wouldn’t want to get them off in a place like this.

HAROLD : I beg your pardon.

GIRL : For the blokes who refuse to give us their votes.

ALBERT : What happens to them ?

GIRL : I’m a professional stripper dearie. If we don’t get your vote, then I strip till you

do give it.

HAROLD : I shouldn’t have given you my vote so soon!

ALBERT : You’re not getting my vote.

GIRL : As you wish sir (Starts to strip to reveal skimpy clothing).

ALBERT : Cor…. (Looks over to Harold and grins).

Scene 2: (Girl has left, Harold re-enters living room)

HAROLD : You dirty old man.

ALBERT : What ?

HAROLD : Letting her strip down to the bare essentials and all along you'd already

given your vote to the Vicar.

ALBERT : I didn’t see you moaning at the time. And besides, she’s a stripper, nothing

new for her taking her clothes off.

HAROLD : Poor little cow . You realise you got a five minute dance that would have cost

you twenty quid at Stringfellows.

ALBERT: This family has always supported our local church, I'm not changing my seat

just because religion has become commercialised these days. I've known our

vicar since 1936, when he won the egg and spoon race at the Shephard's

Bush fete.

Yeah. I charged him half a penny to glue his egg to his spoon so he could win

the first prize.

HAROLD: Corruption in the church even back then.

ALBERT: You may think it's funny wasting your vote, but you'll just see if someone else

gets that £40,000 grant. They'll be sticking up another temple or mosque

round here before you know it.

HAROLD: Well, if those birds get in they'll no doubt be putting the money towards a new

strip club and bar, so it's a vote well worth it for me.

(Knock at door yet again)

ALBERT: A bleeding 'nother one.

HAROLD: You go. And if it's a camp guy wearing skimpy clothing, for gawd's sake don't

let him in!

Scene 3: Albert and Harold in yard.

HAROLD: I'm telling you, it's getting harder and harder out on them roads. There's no

way I can go competing against all the white van drivers who cut me up and

the abuse I get from all the mums on the school runs. It's bedlam out there,

no respect left, that's what it is.

ALBERT: Excuses again.

HAROLD: It ain't an excuse.

ALBERT: Yes it is, I never had any problem on the roads when I totted.

HAROLD: Well of course you didn't. You only had to put up with the odd Penny Farthing

passing you by when you last did the round.

ALBERT: I don't wanna hear your excuses.

HAROLD: We might as well give it all up with the horse and cart lark, it's not the way

forward you know. Nah, thems with the vans are the ones making the dosh,

they're the ones getting the good stuff. It's me and the few other boys still

being pulled round by a horse that get left with the left overs, of the left overs.

ALBERT: We aren't giving up our traditions mate, our business as always been horse

and cart. It wouldn't be the same totting about in a Mercedes Benz Sprinter

van.

HAROLD: Least it's got heating... and a radio.... and window wipers.... comfy seats.

ALBERT: It's a disgrace. The local council should fund the likes of us. If it weren't for us

they'd be nothing left of the character of London except for Chas and Dave

on tour.

HAROLD: They're not going to fund us lot are they? Not exactly got a great following

have we? Only six of us left totting round here now, even Charlie Miller's mob

are considering turning it in and trading full time on Ebay.

ALBERT: Just a minute.

HAROLD: Now what Einstein?

ALBERT: The Vicar, he said that there's been eight new religions started this week

alone.

HAROLD: So?

Scene 4: Outside town hall office, Harold and Albert walking down steps.

ALBERT: Told you, didn't I?

HAROLD: It's ridiculous. It puts to shame all the others as a complete and utter waste of

time and a bunch of money grabbers.

ALBERT: (Reading from paperwork in his hand) Official religion 25775623 - 'The

Followers of the Holy Totting Grail.

HAROLD: It sounds like a new Monty Python film.

ALBERT: Yeah and they always took in good money didn't they?

HAROLD: You realise that we are now competing with the Church of England. The

Vicar will never forgive you, you know.

ALBERT: When it comes to business then it's each man to his own. The council

accepted our submission so we are all above board. Could hardly refuse us

after just having accepted an application from 'Blue Boys Holy Cross

Seekers' could they?

HAROLD: All madness.

ALBERT: Come on, we've got some catching up to do. The charts read that the Sikh lot

have the overall lead, we need to start touting whilst we carry out our totting.

Scene 5: Harold on the horse and cart doing his rounds.

HAROLD: (Shouts out) Here Rag and Bone..... Here Rag and Bone....

(Shows an unwilling face and shouts out) Vote for your local Londoners....

horse and carts to remain part of the London culture..... Here Rag and

Bone.....

LADY: (Shouts to Harold to grab his attention) Here lovey... Over here!

HAROLD: (Stops his cart) Yes madame?

LADY: (Waves pen at Harold) I've got some linen for you, mostly darks. I've heard

you give the best rates locally.... am I right? I'm ready to sign my name for

your lot if so.

Scene 6: Albert at living room table, Harold enters.

ALBERT: I got three votes this morning.

HAROLD: How you get them? You been out with the sandwich boards, or preaching

from the town square?

ALBERT: Nah, didn't even leave the house.

Paid the milk man the four weeks we owed him so he signed, as did the bloke

from the Pru and some old poof from Queen Street who bought two walking

sticks.

We're up to 647 signatures now. Only three weeks left to prove we deserve

the lottery fund.

HAROLD: Look, I don't get it. We have no church to fund, no temple, bibles or prayer

mats... so what did you say the money was going towards? You have to have

a plan I mean, no? At least the Vicar said the money was going towards the

new pews. What did you say? Forty thousand quids worth of Brown Ale?

ALBERT: Me and the other lads from the round sorted all that out whilst at the

Skinners. We shall invest it in servicing all the remaining carts which includes

upgrades to heated seats, indicators and air horns.

Who needs a new Mercedes van now, hey?

HAROLD: A business driven religion. And they fell for it?

ALBERT: Yeah.... aparently the lads from the rounds are all getting together to sort out

the new drive for votes for saturday. The Fig Leaves run.

HAROLD: You what?

ALBERT: Sort of Calender Girls. But on the rounds instead. Reckon they'll get most of

the signatures off those old girls from the Whitley estate who have yet to

submit their votes.

And I got these for you.

(Shows Harold fake flimsy fig leaf)

It's not been that cold lately and they say it's not overcast for saturday.

HAROLD: You must be joking mate. If you think.....

Scene 7: Albert walking back in to yard, Harold coming out of outside toilet.

ALBERT: Bleeding sneeky bleeding women!

HAROLD: What's up?

ALBERT: They got there before us didn't they. Apparently did six strip shows and one

pole dance at the fire station.

HAROLD: I miss all the worthwhile goings on locally somehow. Anyway, what you all up

tight about it for?

ALBERT: That new womens fashion store in town that had it's grand opening sale last

saturday afternoon.

HAROLD: And?

ALBERT: The women and alcohol lot waited for all the women to vacate their houses to

get clothes at the sale, then they went round the houses and got the men on

their own and their signatures too, apart from some old poof on the top floor

who had already signed up for the Judaism lot cause he fances the leader.

HAROLD: Very smart move from them, hey? Here, what about you getting the womens

votes when the men are all out, say when Queens Park Rangers are at home

next?

ALBERT: Got stuffed on that also. Women already gave their votes to the 'Ban the

Page Three and PlayBoy Followers' who did the rounds on tuesday last.

HAROLD: Here, I don't like the sound of them lot. Gonna have to step up your efforts

otherwise we will have to cancel our weekly delivery of The Sun.

When's the presentation again?

ALBERT: Friday evening at the community hall, Hight Street.

Scene 8: At the presentation, Harold and Albert amongst many other religious leaders

including Vicar and Tania.

SPEAKER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am pleased to tell you that we have

now gathered the total amount of votes and we do have a very margional

winner. The presentation of the cheque for forty thousand pounds from the

lottery fund will be made by Peter Collins from Camelot.

ALBERT: (Nudges Harold) They say it's between us, the birds who've been stripping

off, those Buddhists from West London and the Jeohova lot.

HAROLD: What, the Vicar didn't even get a reckoning then?

ALBERT: Never was going to with all this lot and their marketing motives, I mean, he

didn't even have a website built for this campaign.

Why do you think I gave my vote to him? Can't vote for yourself so might

aswell vote for someone who won't stand a chance of winning.

HAROLD: And you said you had religious morals.

ALBERT: I told you, this is business, not religion.

HAROLD: Isn't it the same thing?

SPEAKER: .... and results are as follows...

Sacred Julien of Sahara.... 342 Votes

The Hindu Society of Shephards Bush.... 711 Votes

Catholics Annonymous.... 1,012 Votes

The Holy Believers of......

ALBERT: They start off with the lesser ones first, if we can just make it a bit longer

before he says....

HAROLD: They probably already know the winners. Been someone falsing up the

counting system no doubt, they know who they want winning and what kind

of....

ALBERT: Sshhhh will ya.

SPEAKER: .... 1,384 Votes

Ban the Page Three and PlayBoy Followers.... 1,417 votes

HAROLD: That's all? Thank gawd for that.

Just how many votes and religions are there?

ALBERT: Well, Vicar reckons there are 78,000 or so in the catchment area and last

count was 43 registered religions.

SPEAKER: .... 2,172 Votes

Buddhists from West London.... 2,561 Votes

HAROLD: Heard they had to refuse a further 624 applications.

SPEAKER: Jeohova Witness Remodernised dot com.... also 2,561 Votes

ALBERT: Blimey, it is a tight one.

SPEAKER: The Followers of the Holy Totting Grail... again with 2,561 Votes

ALBERT: We are all neck and neck... they'll share the money between us!

HAROLD: (Whistles Monty Python theme tune)

ALBERT: (Nudges Harold to stop him whistling)

SPEAKER: And finally the Women and Alcohol Followers Institute.... with....

2,56...... 2 Votes.

(Scream of joy from the winning women and a large applause as they make

their way to the presentation area)

Our congratulations to the women and I would like to pass the mic over to

Peter Collins from Camelot who will present the cheque to Tania and Liana

for forty thousand pounds.

ALBERT: Beaten by one sodden vote. The lousy cows.

HAROLD: Well, looks like we have a new strip club to look forward to father, hey?

ALBERT: Bloody lucky old cows. And that Tania had a fat arse too. Look at her walking

down those steps, carrying that cheque... Oh dear, she's coming our way.

TANIA: Unlucky boys. We will drop you a few free tickets hey dearie. (To Harold) Oh,

and thanks for your vote sonny, proved very decisive afterall hey. (Whispers
in his ear) You'll get a complementary ticket to our opening evening. (Kisses
him on cheek).

ALBERT: (Realising what Tania said, turns to face Harold) It's all your fault!

HAROLD: What?

ALBERT: You gave her that winning vote.

HAROLD: So did a couple odd thousand other blokes.

ALBERT: But your vote won it you great pillock! If you hadn't have been so absent

minded with your signature we would have had a share of the money.

(Turns round and starts to walk out of hall, turns back to Harold and shouts)

Serves you right if you get piles sitting on that plank now and you can stop

moaning about white van drivers and mother drivers.

HAROLD: (Speaks to himself) I think that Tania fancies me.

 

The End.