Scene 1: A cold and frosty winters evening, view of the Steptoe's junk yard as Harold
enters on the horse and cart, jumps off, yawns and stretches

 

Albert opens back door wearing his best suit and approaches Harold.

ALBERT: Oh, you're back.

HAROLD: Yes, obviously I'm back.

ALBERT: And you've unloaded the cart already.

HAROLD: No, as a matter of fact I haven't unloaded the cart.

ALBERT: Well if you didn't unload it who did then, the horse?

HAROLD: There was nothing to unload was there, I've had what they call in the trade a

'crap day'.

ALBERT: Only you could come back with less than you went out with.

HAROLD: I beg your pardon.

ALBERT: You left with sandwiches and came back without them.

HAROLD: Look, I've had a hard day right, I most certainly don't want to stand here in the

bleeding cold arguing the toss with you.

ALBERT: I'm off out.

HAROLD: Oi, come back here. Where do you think you're going?

ALBERT: Well, if we can't rely on you to bring in income I'll have to do it myself.

HAROLD: (Laughing) And what street corner do you intend standing on this evening?

ALBERT: Very funny.

HAROLD: Friday night is darts night at the Skinners Arms, I see no reason for you

venturing out tonight?

ALBERT: I won the auction didn't I?

HAROLD: (Puzzled expression) Won the auction?

ALBERT: You know, the twenty quid maximum bid I placed on that set of hunting prints.

I won it and it's only round the corner and the bird selling it said I could come

round and collect it. Saves me the postage that way.

HAROLD: Oh yes, you've been doing your trading on that vile contraption again. Putting

traditional businesses like us out of trade you know that?

(Looks Albert up and down)

And what you all ponsed up for?

ALBERT: Well she sounded alright on the telephone and you never know your luck.

HAROLD: You dirty old man.

ALBERT: (Grunts, turns and leaves)

HAROLD: Oi! What about my dinner?

ALBERT: I've done you a full sunday roast. That's beef with roast potatoes and parsnips,

greens, yorkshire pudding and all covered in gravy.

HAROLD: (Taken back expression) Oh, that sounds very nice.

ALBERT: Yeah, bet you thought I'd forgotten about you, hey?

HAROLD: No, I appreciate that, it's very kind of you to prepare such a meal, especially

as it's only wednesday. Is it in the oven?

ALBERT: No, it's in the microwave. Takes eight minutes on full power.

 

 

Scene 2: Steptoe's living room. Usual junk about the place. A new desk and

computer in the corner.

Harold enters the room holding the roast dinner on a plate.

HAROLD: What a marvelous piece of cuisine. His cooking skills excel even Jamie

Oliver's.

(Sniffs dinner)

About as tempting as that out of date jar of pickled onions over there. Oh well,

if that women proves as exciting as he said she was, misery guts won't be home

early.

(Walks over to sideboard, picks up Radio Times then remote control and turns

on the television)

Let me see, wednesday night (Checks watch), half eight. Oh gawd, Dad's

Army again. Can't those wallies at the BBC come up with anything better

than the dreaded repeats. These sitcoms get on my nerves, if it's not Captain

Mainwaring it's Basil Fawlty.

Ah, now that's more like me. Big Brother and with any luck those two gorgeous

birds are still in.

(Turns over channel to Big Brother)

TELEVISION: Aren't we in for a treat this evening. Busty Louise and Abbey attempt some

thai cuisine whilst the lads try to repair the broken pump on the jacuzzi,

that's minus Wayne of course who was voted out this morning.

HAROLD: Oh I'm so pleased he went, always had his hands round Abbey's chest.

The prat.

(Albert enters rooms, sees Harold watching television and creeps up on him)

TELEVISION: First we visit the girls as they take their evening dip in the outdoor pool.

HAROLD: Oh, here we go.

ALBERT: You dirty little sod, eyeing up the birds again are we?

HAROLD: Gawd blimey, if you carry on creeping up on me like that it won't be you

having the heart attack it will be me.

ALBERT: Lusting over all those bums and inflated breasts, that show is nothing but

a live sex show.

HAROLD: (Turns television off) Never mind that, how did you get on with that bird, get

what you wanted?

ALBERT: (Grinning) Oh yeah, I got what I wanted alright.

HAROLD: I'm talking about the prints.

ALBERT: So am I.

HAROLD: She wasn't up to much then?

ALBERT: Her husband was there wasn't he, silly sod.

 

 

Scene 3: Albert and Harold are at the computer, the screen shows the prints Albert

bought online in a live auction with no bids.

HAROLD: I told you, it's all a lot of nonsense. You can make money? You make money

from the silly old fools that pay twenty quid for a set of worthless prints.

ALBERT: It isn't finished yet, I'll just refresh the page.

HAROLD: You've been glued to that screen ever since I came through the door. I don't

know what you're wasting your time for.

ALBERT: Here, see, it's been bid up to ten quid, so who's the fool now then?

HAROLD: You are, you paid twice as much for it. Least what I get on the round I know

what their going rate is. Twenty quid a kilo for copper, thirty for zinc and tin.

ALBERT: (Interrupting Harold) Up to forty quid now.

HAROLD: Thirty five quid lead, fifty two quid for... (Gazes back at the Albert on the

computer). How much?

ALBERT: Old fool am I?

HAROLD: Well, i'd put it down to luck. Besides you don't even know who's bid on it, they

might be having a laugh with you. I mean I doubt very much you'll even get

paid mate.

ALBERT: Auction ended. Eighty quid. That's sixty quid profit.I wouldn't bother with

the horse and cart mate, you'll make a fortune on here.

HAROLD: The money is just on that screen, it's fictional, not like getting paid hard

cash in your hand.

ALBERT: Oh yes, he's paid already.

HAROLD: Paid already?

ALBERT: Yeah, there you are, money is in my account already.

HAROLD: Your account? What about our account?

ALBERT: Why should I share the money, you said it's all a lot of nonsense, that I'm an

old fool. I paid for this computer so what I earn from it I'll keep to myself mate.

HAROLD: Oh, so all of a sudden you're dropping me as a business partner and adopting

that box.

ALBERT: If you like.

HAROLD: That thing is nothing but bad news to this world, I mean it's destroying our

way of life. All it gives you is an over elaborated view of life, gives you no

prospects, I go as far to say that it even ruins relationships.

(Walks over to sideboard and gazes into fish bowl)

I mean since that thing arrived I've read 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of

Secrets' three times, pruned the bonsai tree down to it's roots and even

taken up playing eye spy with the gold fish.

ALBERT: (Finishing on computer, turns round to face Harold) What you going on

about?

HAROLD: I don't want that computer in this house.

ALBERT: You're kidding mate. This little beauty is our future.

HAROLD: Rubbish, all that thing does is increase our electricity bills.

ALBERT: The whole world lies within this computer. You should try it instead of

gathering dust there in the corner.

HAROLD: (Feeding the fish) No thank you very much.

 

 

Scene 4: Evening time, Harold enters the yard with a full cart. Albert opens the back

door, neatly dressed with suitcase in his hand.

HAROLD: (Exaggerated cough, points towards full cart) And all this without the help

of a computer.

ALBERT: Oh yes, you've done very well son. It makes a change to see the cart full.

HAROLD: That's two bedside cabinets, three lamp shades, two metres of lead piping,

one sack of dark rags and an assortment of old LP's from some old bird in

Argylle Street who's converted over to MP Freeze or something.

ALBERT: Get it unloaded then. (Turns and walks out the yard)

HAROLD: Where you going? What about a hand with this lot?

ALBERT: I'm off out mate.

HAROLD: Oh gawd, not that bird with the prints again. She's married.

ALBERT: I'm not chancing that bird again, her husband looked a brut. No, I've won

someone else online again.

HAROLD: And dinner?

ALBERT: I ordered it twenty minutes ago, should be here about now.

HAROLD: Chinese?

ALBERT: No Indian, slate's full at the Chinese.

TAKEAWAY: (To Albert) Takeaway curry sir?
MAN

ALBERT: He's paying.

TAKEAWAY: Your takeaway curry sir?
MAN

HAROLD: I didn't even order it.

ALBERT: Bye Harold!

TAKEAWAY: Someone from here wanted curry sir. Ordered over the internet.
MAN

HAROLD: Oh gawd, how much?

TAKEAWAY: Thirteen pounds sir.
MAN

HAROLD: Oh gawd.

 

 

Scene 5: Harold sitting at table in living room. Array of foil containers in front of him.

HAROLD: I couldn't have ordered it better myself. One chicken vindaloo, one portion of

fat chips, two portions of fried pineapple rings and one side order of a

quarter pounder with extra relish.

(Walks away from table to get television remote control then turns television

on)

What delights are on the box this evening then?

(Television comes on to the start up tune of Fawlty Towers)

Oh no, not again.

(Turns the channel over with remote)

TELEVISION: Louise certainly knows how to get the lads excited. It's now nearly time to

introduce our new house guest, our winner of the online website competition.

Yes Abbey you may well get excited for it's another man to share the house

with.

HAROLD: Lucky sod.

TELEVISION: All the way from upmarket Mayfair in London, a sixty year old retired

property developer and yes girls he is single. It's Albert Steptoe!

(Television screen shows Albert cuddling up to the girls)

HAROLD: You dirty old man.

TELEVISION: I hope you stay afloat in there Albert, those girls will certainly keep you

on your toes!

HAROLD: You dirty, dirty old man.

TELEVISION: And don't forget folks that one more place remains to be won with our

online competition. If you want to be here like Albert Steptoe!

(Harold fumbling with the computer switches)

HAROLD: Dad, Dad! How do you get this thing to turn on.

(Hits computer monitor)

Work you cow son!

(Television screen shows Albert sitting in jacuzzi with girls beside him)

FADE