Steptoe & Son

Episode Seven 'Mistaken Identity'

Written by Christopher Walkey (c) 2008

 

Scene 1: Inside WHSmiths, Albert and Harold perusing the board games.

ALBERT: I've never liked this bleeding shop, it's too expensive. I mean Parker pens, what's

wrong with Bic's? Fancy note pads, £15 leather diaries. Computer games forty quid

each.

HAROLD: Will you stop moaning and get over here. We’re meant to be looking for a new board

game.

ALBERT: Too expensive.

HAROLD: Well it's hard luck. We've got a twenty quid voucher to spend here from your sister in

Stoke. So start choosing.

ALBERT: Here, what's this one. ‘Hungry Hippo's’. That looks good Harold. He, he... you have to

try and get all the little balls in to their mouths. You like that kind of game don't you?

HAROLD: I'm not sitting at the table of an evening playing Hungry bleeding Hippo's now that's for

sure.

ALBERT: ‘Doctor's operation’. Though you don't like anything surgical wise, makes you queasy

doesn't it?

HAROLD: (Ignoring Albert) Now this looks good.

(Picks up ‘Trivial Pursuit 21st century’ Game) Oh yes, very intellectual. We can

expand our mind with this father.

ALBERT: (Looking at other game) Hey, what about this one. ‘Booze Strip Poker’. Get to drink

booze with this one.

HAROLD: I'm not playing that with you, (Disgusted look) Oh, no thanks.

ALBERT: What if we get some guests hey?

HAROLD: Only guests we get is the vicar and his wife and I don't think they'll take to playing that.

Now, if you please father. A sensible game.

(Shows Albert ‘Trivial Pursuit’ Game) Over 10,000 questions on sport, geography,

science, music.

ALBERT: Nah, it's boring. Now this one looks good (Picks up Twister)

HAROLD: (Stern look at Albert) We're getting Trivial Pursuit.

Scene 2: At the checkout counter.

ALBERT: Bleeding twenty quid for that. You know I won't be able to answer any of the

questions.

HAROLD: (To serving lady) This please. For me and my father. We want to expand our already

vast knowledge. Keep the mind active.

ALBERT: (Notes end display promoting new DVD) I don't believe it. What the bleeding hell is

this.

HAROLD: (To serving lady) To improve our vocabulary as well.

(To Albert) Here, what's wrong now?

ALBERT: You better come and look at this.

HAROLD: (Approaches end stand) We haven't got a DVD player, what's the point?

ALBERT: (Picks up DVD boxset and shows it to Harold) They've been spying on us.

HAROLD: (Shock look) Oh gawd blimey. (Reads from boxset) The Steptoe and Son DVD BBC

boxset, 30 hours of laughter over 10 years.

They've been spying on us.

ALBERT: We've been Big Brothered!

HAROLD: The cheek of it. The BBC must have had hidden cameras on us and sold our life story

on this lot.

ALBERT: Exploitation!

HAROLD: They won't get away with this. And what's this. They've even made up that it's been

written by two writers. Galton and Simpson.

ALBERT: We've done all this acting, there's no script work. The filthy ‘hop on the band wagon’

scoundrels. If I saw them I'd shove horse manure on their heads.

HAROLD: Now wait a minute father, we're going to have to be careful here.

ALBERT: Here, look at this DVD. Galton and Simpson named it 'The Bath'. Here! There's a

picture of me in the tin bath! That's pornography!

HAROLD: Oh gawd, they've got me and you shifting that piano from that poof’s house.

Oh, and that bird giving me the elbow on that water bed.

ALBERT: He, he... they've got you balls'ing the central heating system up.

HAROLD: Never mind that, (Picks up DVD) 'Full House' here. If those guys found out we cheated

them on Poker they'll come after us.

ALBERT: Harold.

HAROLD: What?

ALBERT: They've got one called 'And afterwards at'. It's your wedding.

HAROLD: Oh no, Melanie will have a chance to rub that in again.

ALBERT: And what's this. An extras DVD. 'The Galton and Simpson of Oil Drum Lane'.

Interviews, guest appearances, commentary.

HAROLD: Those two have been living a life of riley off the back of us.

(A lady walks up to them both, Harold and Albert turn round to face her)

ALBERT: What do you want?

LADY: Could I have your autographs?

ALBERT: We haven't bought anything, I'm not signing anything. They can get stuffed.

LADY: (Holds out autograph book) It's for my husband, he simply adores you both. He says

that you rival Laurel and Hardy.

ALBERT: The cheeky sod.

HAROLD: Er father please. Do excuse him.

LADY: Oh I love him when he's rude. I mean, I didn't realise that you were actually like that in

real life.

HAROLD: (Taken back) Er, yes quite. No, you see.....

ALBERT: Tell her to get lost.

HAROLD: Father ple.... I mean, Albert Steptoe, there's no more need to act. This lady wants our

autographs. (Takes autograph book and signs it) Now you do the same Albert.

ALBERT: I'm not doing th...... Oucchhhh!

HAROLD: (Standing on Albert's foot) Just sign next to mine.

LADY: Oh thank you both. My husband will be delighted. (Departs)

ALBERT: Silly cow. She could be using those signatures to empty our bank accounts.

HAROLD: She'll only be emptying the debt. Besides, don't you realise what's happening?

ALBERT: No?

HAROLD: They think we are TV stars. Thanks to these DVDs they think we are professional

actors.

ALBERT: What, you mean the BBC and those two manure heads have fooled them also?

HAROLD: It would appear so. I mean, just think. We could command a salary from the BBC.

They have inadvertently made us stars. We could collar some money from this scam.

(Man approaches Albert and Harold followed by a group of more shoppers all with pen

and paper in their hands)

MAN: Could you sign this please, it's for my Uncle Tom.

(Group gathers round Albert and Harold)

GROUP: Here, sign this please!

Oi, Steptoe's! Give us your autographs.

Sign here!

(Noise is building up)

ALBERT: Alright calm down, calm down! Five quid a set of autographs!

Scene 3: Albert and Harold are alone again and counting all their fivers from the autograph

signing spell. The shop is quiet once more.

ALBERT: Here that weren't bad was it? Four hundred and sixty quid for one hours work.

HAROLD: Blimey. You see how that blond bit of stuff gave me a kiss?

ALBERT: Yeah, she got me to sign her breast.

HAROLD: You dirty old man.

ALBERT: This could be a blessing in disguise. A BBC blessing.

HAROLD: We're super stars. No more rag and boning. We'll have to move of course. And a new

wardrobe. A sportscar.

(Albert is removing a load of DVD's from shelf)

HAROLD: Here, what you doing? That lot on there is our passport to freedom.

ALBERT: Yeah, but these two can get stuffed, who wants these two blabbing a load of false

dialect. We don’t need no ‘Extras DVD’.

HAROLD: Suppose you got a reason.

ALBERT: They're not going to make anymore money from us, here, grab this lot. (Starts to
gather up all the Extra DVD's) Bung them over with the Children's section so no one
finds them. In between 'The Magic Roundabout' and the 'Teletubbies'

 

The End.