Steptoe & Son

Episode Six 'New for Old'

Written by Christopher Walkey (c) 2007

 

Scene 1: Harold enters the yard after a hard days work, leaving the house is a smartly

dressed man wearing a 'Vote for me as Your Local Politician' rosette.

HAROLD: (Looking sternly at the man leaving)

ALBERT: (Waving to the man at the door, smiling)

HAROLD: (Walks up to Albert) Just what do you think you are doing. You know fully

well if he got in we'd be out of business in a fortnight.

ALBERT: He was having a cup of hot chocolate.

HAROLD: What, you gave him hot cocoa, my hot cocoa I may add. You invited him

into this house to listen to his disallusioned tripe?

ALBERT: Yeah, but he didn't have proper hot chocolate.

HAROLD: What you on about?

ALBERT: He'll not even manage to get to the end of the road I bet.

(Knock on front door, Albert answers it. Liberal Candidate standing

there awkwardly)

LIB DEM: I say, I couldn't possibly use your toilet if I may.

ALBERT: Oh of course.

LIB DEM: Oh thanks. (Trys to enter house, Harold blocks his way)

HAROLD: The karsey my man is out there.

ALBERT: Yes, light switch on your left, Daily Mirror as bog roll. (Closes door)

HAROLD: Explain father.

ALBERT: I stuck ex-lax in instead of hot chocolate, he'll not get another vote this

evening. Wouldn't be suprised if he'd still be stuck out in our bog till the

morning. He, he.

HAROLD: Here, that's not a bad idea that. I mean you could destroy the whole

of the Liberal Democrate's campaign with simply a bar of ex-lax. Yes, I think

I'll send an email to all Labour candidates in the region. 'Invite the rivals in

for a hot chocolate. Just make sure you have an outside bog'.

(Another knock on the door, Harold answers it with a shocked look)

FRANKIE: Good evening Harold, looking very well I see. No doubt good living and

a very filling diet keeping you looking so young. This leads me to think that

money worries are a very slim concern in your household and that you

have lots of spare cash to invest and prosper with. Am I correct?

HAROLD: You couldn't be further from the truth.

FRANKIE: See gentlemen (Looks over his shoulder to two bodyguards accompaning

him), I have such a good eye at spotting potential customers.

ALBERT: Who is it Harold? If it's that bloke again from the Chinese takeaway tell him I

got another set of them photos of him and that old bike next door at it

together.

FRANKIE: Evening Mr Steptoe!

ALBERT: (Walking up to front door) What the bleeding hell do you want?

FRANKIE: See gentlemen (Looks again over his shoulder to his bodyguards), me and

old Mr Steptoe here go back a long way. Yes, many an excellent service I

have provided for the Steptoes at very competitive rates I must add.

ALBERT: You're having a laugh ain't you, ripped us off more like.

HAROLD: (Notes bodyguards slight advancement) Please dad.

ALBERT: Besides, I thought you were inside for selling dodgy licence plates to the

Russians.

FRANKIE: Oh I am still inside Mr Steptoe.

HAROLD: You on holiday on something then?

FRANKIE: I'm still serving my time Harold, (Lifts his trouser leg up to reveal ankle tag)

the police know my exact whereabouts with this little device. I'm allowed to

walk the streets of our lovely country from eight in the morning till eight at

night.

HAROLD: It's half past nine.

FRANKIE: I also have a very reliable friend who knows how to reprogramme the chip

remotely from his computer. I am at present asleep in my bed at home like a

good little boy should. Now, my time is precious so if you would just like to sign

here gentlemen and I'll be on my way.

ALBERT: Sign what?

FRANKIE: This little form slip that states that you gentlemen have entrusted to me

your confidence in me insuring your good home.

HAROLD: You as insurance broker again? Joking ofcourse Frankie?

FRANKIE: Most sincerely not gentlemen, I'm offering competitive rates compared to many

of the rated insurers including Zurich and Norwich Union. I'll be on GoCompare.com

very soon I may add.

ALBERT: You mean you'll be running another protection racket alongside it?

FRANKIE: Yeah Mr Steptoe, such a bright man for his age. A protection racket with

a difference, a protection racket combined with home insurance.

HAROLD: We've no need for your protection thank you, now if you please.

(Bodygaurd shoves door back wide open, Frankie steps into the hallway)

FRANKIE: My, my, what a wonderful home. In fact the only home I know in the borough

to have antique wall paper up on the walls and pre-century newspaper down

on the floors.

ALBERT: You cheeky sod.

FRANKIE: Now, two signatures if you please gentlemen.

HAROLD: Dad, how about offering our guest something to drink.

FRANKIE: A welcome offer Harold which I will of course accept.

ALBERT: Whiskey, gin, brown ale or....

HAROLD: (Interrupting) Hot cocoa I think, keep the chill out hey Frankie?

FRANKIE: Lovely Mr Steptoe.

ALBERT: Oh rite. Hot cocoa coming up.

(Another polite knock on the door)

HAROLD: (Shouting in direction of the door) Yes you can, let me know when the bog

roll runs out I'll send you out some more.

LIB DEM: (shouting through letter box) I say, thanks awfully.

 

Scene 2: Frankie, Harold and Albert around table.

FRANKIE: A lovely cup of cocoa Mr Steptoe. And thank you for your signatures. As

you have been so kind with hospitality I'll let you have your first months

insurance at half price at only £100.

ALBERT: One hundred quid. You mean to say you want two hundred quid a month

for your services. We'd get cover for a tenth of that!

(Bodyguards approach table)

FRANKIE: I'm doing you a favour, and remember, my boys haven't had any hot cocoa

and they can be somewhat easily annoyed if they have missed out on any

treats.

HAROLD: Go and get them a cup each of cocoa father.

ALBERT: They can get lost.

HAROLD: (Looks sternly at Albert) Go and get them a cup of cocoa each father.

Scene 3: Months later:

Morning Time - Albert walks past Harold's bedroom door. Harold having just got

out bed notes Albert walking past wearing a rain mac, cap, knee high wellies and

carrying a fishing rod.

HAROLD: Oi! Where do you think you are going?

ALBERT: Fishing.

HAROLD: I hardly thought you were going for a round of golf dressed like that. I mean

where do you intend going fishing? Didn't think fishing was your game?

ALBERT: I'm going downstairs. Hoping to get a bit of fish for tonights supper.

HAROLD: Downstairs? The only fishing downstairs available is in the fish bowl and I hardly

think our Charlie will provide enough for tonights supper.

ALBERT: You haven't heard the news yet this morning have you.

HAROLD: News?

ALBERT: Yeah, the Thames has flooded, we're in two foot of water downstairs. Charlie

Miller phoned this morning to say the local carp pond flooded over too this

morning and to be on the look out for some serious 25 pounders.

HAROLD: What? The place has flooded.

(Makes his way downstairs and sees a dirty water level already upto the second

step of the stairs.)

Oh my Gawd, all the stock, it will be all ruined. The furtniture, the carpets. My

library of books.

ALBERT: Not everything, I took the computer and booze upstairs with me last night.

Half of London has flooded. Didn't you hear the rain last night? Cats and dogs

it was.

(Both make their way downstairs to th hallway which is flooded)

HAROLD: Oh gawd! It's like bleeding Venice.

ALBERT: Thames burst it's bank, flooded from Shephards Bush to Mile End.

They say it will be upto 4 foot this evening.

HAROLD: Better find you the snorkle and goggles then, you'll drown if you venture off to the

karsey.

ALBERT: (Dips leg into water) Be deep enough for a bath soon.

HAROLD: Erhhhh, disgusting.

ALBERT: We're not wasting this water mate, just like going down to Southend on Sea and

taking a dip. Oh, and another good thing.

HAROLD: What?

ALBERT: This lot will give the carpets a good clean.

HAROLD: It will be ruined, just like us. What chance have we that Frankie will pay up on

this kind of mess. New for old policy, we'd be lucky if he gives us a new kettle.

You see his terms and conditions section.

ALBERT: No.

HAROLD: Eighteen pages worth with probably every clause possible stated including the

exclusion of payments out for claims against flooding, Venician style!

ALBERT: We'll, I'm not wasting any time moaping, I'm going see if there's any of them

roach in this lot, dinner will be sorted at least.

HAROLD: No point me going out this morning then, may as well stay in bed.

ALBERT: What! You get your boots on, go get that horse in before she drowns.

HAROLD: She's taller than four foot, she'll be alrite.

ALBERT: She ain't no hippopotumas mate, bring her in before she catches a cold. Bung

her up in your room.

HAROLD: What? Joking ofcourse?

ALBERT: Get on with it, I want to fish some roach without you scaring them off.

HAROLD: The front door's closed and the water ain't up past the letter box yet.

ALBERT: So?

HAROLD: So? So! You think the fish have a key to get in with. You silly old man.

Scene 4: Frankie Barrow standing in Steptoe's living room, note pad in hand, shaking his

head. Harold and Albert lookingly concerned over his shoulder.

FRANKIE: It doesn't look good Mr Steptoe. I'm afraid that in your case it won't be 'New for

Old' far from it.

ALBERT: That's what all the others offer.

FRANKIE: And I would like to do the same gentlemen trust me, but seeing as all your stuff

was old before you even got it I can hardly offer you new can I?

HAROLD: Be we's had antiques all over, can hardly buy them new can we Frankie.

FRANKIE: I have done a thorough breakdown gentlemen and I am pleased to be able to

offer you a cash sum, in amist of all this grime and devastation that you find

yourselves in, of a round figure of twenty quid.

ALBERT: Twenty quid!

HAROLD: Come come now Frankie, you know full well that all this 'grime' was worth

alot more that twenty quid.

FRANKIE: I can stretch to twenty five gentlemen and a kindly gesture, otherwise I'd say

find yourselves a good insurance broker.

ALBERT: You little twister, eight months you got out of us, sixteen hundred quid and

you taking the mickey with offering twenty quid. I'll get the Old Bill in to sort

you out.

FRANKIE: Unwise Mr Steptoe, very unwise. I am at this precise moment doing some

volunteery work at the Shephards Bush animal sanctuary, they can see my

tag now, working hard cleaning out the kennels.

HAROLD: You know full well this lot is worth more than what your offering. You've got cash

coming out your earholes, you can afford it.

FRANKIE: I've been up and down the street already, everyone is in the same boat as

you Harold, all expecting a handsome payout.

ALBERT: We're ruined, all our stock worthless.

FRANKIE: Not worthless before the floods?

ALBERT: Get that little thieving git out my house.

HAROLD: Dad, please, we'll work a way round it, we always do.

ALBERT: I want him out Harold, he's been nothing but a wort on our hands ever since

we meet up with him. A cheap skate, unproffesional, untrustworthy little piece

of rubbish scum.

FRANKIE: Oh dear Mr Steptoe, emotions running high? I think I will have to come back with

your cheque for the twenty quid, accompanied with two of my bigger lads who

will, I can assure, ommit an apology from you.

HAROLD: Oh gawd.

Scene 5: Harold and Albert looking through window waiting for Frankie's limmo to pull

up in the yard.

ALBERT: He won't touch us, you'll see.

HAROLD: What's the time now?

ALBERT: Gone ten.

HAROLD: Hopefully he won't turn up tonight then. He may have forgotten.

ALBERT: Here he is, knew he would turn up. Doesn't like being called names does Frankie

Barrow. Show them in Harold.

HAROLD: It's either I show them in our let them break the door down and we've had enough

damage as it is without having to call the chippy in to replace the door.

(Albert goes and sits down at his computer, web page up on the screen, his

finger is ready on the enter button)

HAROLD: Evening Frankie. I'm sure you realise, like I do that he's a bit senial.

FRANKIE: Normally a valid reason for an excuse, but he's far from senial today.

ALBERT: Come in you little bleeder.

HAROLD: It comes and goes with him.

FRANKIE: (Entering living room with his guards) Mr Steptoe, you have been a naughty boy.

ALBERT: So have you. There has just been reports on the radio of some football hooligans

smashing up the local Indian takeaway, police haven't caught them all they say.

HAROLD: See what i mean frankie, gone in the head he as.

FRANKIE: Not a keen football fan Mr Steptoe, now what was it you called me.

ALBERT: Did you know Harold that there is a website online, totally illegal ofcourse, where

you can get prisoners tags reprogrammed. I could click a button here and get

one into very serious problems.

FRANKIE: Mr Steptoe?

HAROLD: What, you mean someone could be landed in a right old pickle when infact they

weren't even there.

ALBERT: Exactly, like Frankie here. One click of this button and his tag would present

itself bang in the middle of all that hooligan trouble, infact pinpoint it at him who

threw the brick through the window. One spot of trouble and you go straight

back inside, no Mr Barrow?

FRANKIE: Just keep that finger still Mr Steptoe, right boys you can leave, (his guards

leave the house). I've made a revised decision on your claims Mr Steptoe.

ALBERT: Sounds good to me.

FRANKIE: Let's call it a thousand quid cash and you can keep your apology and also

your finger well away from that button.

ALBERT: Very well, cash now.

FRANKIE: Here, take it. Now, I'd better be off to those kennels, got some work to do.

(Hands cash to Harold) Bye gentlemen.

HAROLD: Good bye Frankie.

ALBERT: Knew he wouldn't touch us, never expected the dosh though.

HAROLD: You crafty little devil. How you find out about that website and those hooligans.

ALBERT: QPR went out the FA cup tonight on penalties, always rioting when that

happens.

HAROLD: And the website.

ALBERT: Made that up too.

HAROLD: Hey?

ALBERT: It was the Tesco's website, I was just about to order our weeks shopping, he's

as thick as two planks Frankie Barrow, he's never have spotted the difference.

 

The End.