Scene 1: Harold enters the yard on a lightly filled cart and dismounts.

HAROLD: (Shouts out) Dad!

(Off loads bag of rags and weighs them)

(Shouts out) Dad, I'm back!

(Grabs hold of a length of lead piping from the cart and flings it onto

the metal scrap heap)

No doubt old misery guts will be out soon to scour the cart for items to

stick onto Ebay.

(Mimicks Albert) What have you brought for me today? Oh, that looks nice,

I'll have that, I'll have that and that.

(Back to normal voice) Then he'll be off to sit in his little corner in there and

spend all evening taking photos and listing things.

(Shouts) Dad! Do you hear me!?

(Leads horse to stable and locks it in)

I bet he's fallen asleep again, on that sofa, in front of the telly. Dozed off

playing a game of golf on the Playstation.

He'd better have dinner ready, that's all I say.

(Opens back door and peers inside)

Dad?

(Walks into living room. Albert sitting back to him, listening to i-pod)

You gone deaf or something? I've been calling you for the last ten minutes

out there.

(Albert doesn't turn round to note him)

You ignoring me? (Shouts) Oi!

(Walks up to Albert and notices i-pod and earphones)

What's the odds the sudden shock will kill him? Oh well, let's give it a go.

(Sharply pulls earphones out from Alberts ears)

ALBERT: Here, what's your game?

HAROLD: (Laughing)

ALBERT: You interrupted the best part of the song.

HAROLD: A thousand apologies mate, but I've been calling you for the last ten minutes

to grace me with your Holy presence.

ALBERT: What do you want me for?

HAROLD: I don't want you, believe me, but seeing as you're still breathing I wouldn't mind

some help from time to time. You may as well partake in something in this

floundering business. You got dinner ready?

ALBERT: Yeah, I've just got to boil the kettle.

HAROLD: Oh gawd, not another Pot Noodle?

ALBERT: Why, don't you like them?

HAROLD: Yes, from time to time, not repeatedly. Sweet and sour?

ALBERT: No, chicken and mushroom.

HAROLD: I'll leave it mate. Where's my newspaper?

ALBERT: (Hands Harold The Times) Here it is.

HAROLD: (Studying condition of paper) You've been reading my newspaper again haven't

you?

ALBERT: I haven't touched your paper, that's the paperboy that is. Doesn't want to dirty

his Nike's on the muddy yard out there so he bungs the paper through the

karsey door instead.

Besides, that's yesterdays news in there, I've already read todays news on the

internet mate.

HAROLD: (Ignores Albert, Sits down at his desk) I would like to study my paper if you

please father.

ALBERT: (Snarls) You're 24 hours behind everyone else with that paper you are.

HAROLD: (Waves Albert away) Go and sit at your table and do your suduko or something

will you.

(Text message alert sounds. Albert takes mobile phone out from his breast

pocket, reads message and chuckles. Harold having been disturbed looks

on sternly)

HAROLD: Right, where was I? Yesterday's markets.

(Text message alert goes again)

For gawds sake, not again. How am I meant to take in all the movement in

the markets when all I get is that annoying bleeping every two minutes?

ALBERT: It's a message.

HAROLD: I don't care what it is, it's off putting.

ALBERT: You should get one of these, it's amazing. I can sit here playing suduko

and know exactly what the new barmaid in the Skinner's is wearing.

HAROLD: I beg your pardon?

ALBERT: Look, Larry just sent me a photo from his mobile phone, he's at the Skinner's.

Trying to tempt me down there by taking pictures of the bird behind the bar.

Purposely ordering draught Guiness cause he knows she has to bend down

to get the bottles.

HAROLD: Perverted creatures. Thought men your age were supposed to sit in the corner

sipping bitter and playing cards. Leave the pulling of birds to the likes of men

my age.

ALBERT: You? You must be joking, she's half your age.

HAROLD: That don't make sense, Larry's twice my age!

(Another text message alert sounds)

ALBERT: He, he. This image is even closer up.

HAROLD: Look, do you mind. You know how I like to be left in peace to study the

markets after work, uninterrupted.

ALBERT: I don't know why you bother.

HAROLD: I bother mate so I know what's the going rate for produce is. I mean there's no

point me going out on the round not knowing how much to pay for scrap lead

is there? Besides, it helps me in my trading business. Buy when it's down

and sell when it's up.

ALBERT: What's the rate for lead then?

HAROLD: (Studies paper) Lead? That's £485 a tonne.

ALBERT: And what price was it at on tuesday?

HAROLD: I don't know, can't remember.

ALBERT: A fine trader you are if you don't even know if the prices are going up or down.

How you meant to know when's the best time to buy?

(Another text message alert)

Here, Harold, look at this, Larry has ordered another draught Guiness.

HAROLD: No thank you very much. I've no need to drool over images.

(Harold makes his way to the hat stand, puts on cap and jacket)

ALBERT: Where you going?

HAROLD: Out!

ALBERT: Where to?

(Harold ignores Albert and puts his scarf on)

Look, I'm sorry if I upset you about the price of lead Harold. Of course it's

good you keep your nose in the thick of things.

(Harold walks to front door)

You're not going to leave me here tonight, all by myself?

HAROLD: You're not alone, you've got your bleeping gadget to keep you company.

(Opens front door to leave)

ALBERT: Go then, what do I care.

(Harold leaves and closes door behind him. Albert opens up letter box)

You go out then in the cold, I hope you slip and break your rotten neck.

HAROLD: Yes thank you!

ALBERT: (Message alert tone goes again) Cor blimey, I didn't realise women had

tatoos down there.

HAROLD: (Opens up letter box) I'm going to the Skinners Arms!

ALBERT: (Looks at image on mobile, then letter box and back to image) Here, wait

a minute, I'm coming with you.

Scene 2: Days later. Harold enters the yard on the cart.

HAROLD: Dad!

(Leaps off from cart and stretches)

Get your backside out here you little wart!

(Takes some neat trousers and a jacket from the cart)

(Admiring Jacket) This will do the trick, be all over me she will.

Do you hear me Dad, I've got some little gems on the cart today. Ebay

items I'm sure you'll find! Ebay? Ebay, Ebay, Ebay?

(Walks towards door) He'd better not be on that i-pod again.

(Opens door) Dad?

ALBERT: Harold!

HAROLD: Dad?

ALBERT: In here, I'm in agony!

HAROLD: (Enters room) What a lovely welcome father.

ALBERT: (Bent over in front of television wearing tracksuit, backside to Harold) I've been

stuck like this for two hours. I think I've pulled my back again.

HAROLD: (Picking up DVD cover from floor) What you up to? 'Jordan's extreme fitness

plan'. Well no wonder you've broken your back, I mean, she has to have a

strong back just to keep her top half in order, your skinny little back struggles

when taking the hot water bottle upstairs.

ALBERT: Never mind that, massage my back will you.

HAROLD: And what's all this in aid of? I mean at your time of life, trying to tone your

body.

ALBERT: I was meant to go to the Skinner's with Larry. Said that the new barmaid like

toned men.

HAROLD: I wouldn't bother if I was you.

ALBERT: Why not, I stand as good as chance as any.

HAROLD: I'm taking her out later. To the theatre.

ALBERT: (Stern look) You?

HAROLD: Don't sound suprised. Underneath all this clobber is a toned man.

ALBERT: He, he (Yells in pain). Oh, massage my back will ya!

HAROLD: Why, what's it worth? You can stay like that for all I care. You'd do nicely

as a plant stand like that.

ALBERT: Cobblers!

Scene 3: Harold comes into living room, dressed up, puts cap on.

ALBERT: So, you're off then. She won't be there, not a bird like her, a bird with a tattoo

on her ars....

HAROLD: (Inturrupting) Do you mind, her name is Trudy.

ALBERT: He, he, Trudy, sounds a right little lady.

HAROLD: Never mind, where's the A to Z, I've got to pick her up from Moorlands Park

Road, W1.

ALBERT: I've chucked all the road maps.

HAROLD: What you done that for? You great pudding, how am I meant to find out where

she lives without a map?

ALBERT: Don't panic, you can still meet your crumpet tonight. I've got this.

(Albert produces a Sat Nav system)

This will guide you there.

HAROLD: What on earth is that?

ALBERT: It's a Sat Nav. You type in your destination and it leads you to it, anywhere

in England.

HAROLD: What you buy that for?

ALBERT: Well, it was on sale at Argos and I didn't have one.

HAROLD: What you need one of those for, I mean, the only places you leave this house

for is the Skinners Arms and the karsey!

ALBERT: Do you want to use this or not!

HAROLD: Come on then, I might aswell get used to your crazy gadgets, now I want

24, Moorlands Way, W1.

ALBERT: There you go, done. Now you trust this little gadget, sit back and it will take you

to the door.

HAROLD: Right, thanks then. Makes a change you being helpful.

ALBERT: And, if you're going to do it on the back of the cart you'd better put ear muffs

on the horse, I don't want that animal coming back distraught.

HAROLD: Ain't you vulgar. Twisted mind you've got.

 

Scene 4: Albert in living room, asleep on the sofa. Front door opens and slams shut,

Harold enters living room.

ALBERT: (Wakes up) You're late, you must have got you're leg over then?

HAROLD: No, but I was given a good seeing to though.

ALBERT: Oh, like that was she?

HAROLD: I don't know do I?

ALBERT: Eh?

HAROLD: I didn't get there to find out did I.

ALBERT: Really, why not?

HAROLD: (Takes Sat Nav from jacket pocket) Cause of this stupid bloody thing.

ALBERT: What's wrong with it?

HAORLD: You stuck in Moorlands Way W11 didn't you!

ALBERT: And?

HAROLD: Trudy lives on Moorlands Way W1. I ended up knocking on the door of some

poor old bird at 7:30 only to find out I was exactly four miles from my

destination. I was over an hour late for my date, by the time I got round to

Trudy's she had already left for the theatre with another bloke and her mother

pelted me with a pound of her King Edwards for having stood her daughter up.

ALBERT: Oh, I'm sorry Harold.

HAROLD: (Mimicking Albert) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(Back to normal voice) In future you can stick your gadgets right up where

their signals fail to gain reception. I'm going to bed.

(Mobile phone text message alert goes. Harold walks up to Albert and takes

mobile phone from his breast pocket, walks over to fish bowl and drops the

phone in)

ALBERT: Here, that cost me....

HAROLD: (Points sternly to Albert who goes quiet. Leaves room)

ALBERT: (Snarling) Bloody hooligan, that phone's worth £40 quid on Ebay, bleeding

useless now.

(Picks up Sat Nav from table and switches it on, Moorlands Way, W11

appears on the screen)

That's funny, I could have sworn I typed in Moorlands Way W1. I must have

made a silly mistake!

(Grins to himself and chuckles, content with the outcome)

That teaches him for nicking my bird...