Scene 1: Steptoe's living room. Albert sitting at table, Harold at his desk.

In front of Harold are countless bills and reminders.

 

ALBERT: So, how does it look? What's the final calculation?

HAROLD: No less than £10,482 quid.

ALBERT: Oh, that isn't too bad then.

HAROLD: That's £10,842 quid in debt.

ALBERT: In debt, you're joking?

HAROLD: I thought you had everything in hand. I mean gawd blimey, you only have

to manage the bills and tax payments. I do all the hard work, it's me that

does the grafting for what it's worth. At the present moment we are bringing

in less than what's going out.

ALBERT: Where's it all going wrong then?

HAROLD: I can tell ya.

(Points towards the television)

It's that.

ALBERT: The television?

HAROLD: Well that's the major culprit along with many other things.

ALBERT: Running the television is hardly sending us into debt.

HAROLD: No, I'm not talking about the cost of running it, I'm talking about what it's

doing to our business. Look.

(Picks up Radio Times from sideboard and flicks through pages)

I've already gone through this weeks schedule and there's no less than

twenty shows on all dedicated to the tricks of our trade.

ALBERT: I've never seen anything about totting on there.

HAROLD: Noooooo, I mean the antique, the bootsale, the collecting and all

the valuation shows. It's making my job harder and harder by the day.

ALBERT: What kind of excuse is that?

HAROLD: Oh, you are naive. They're pratically getting an Open University in

totting by simply sitting in front of the telly aren't they?

I mean the folk round here aren't parting with their goods anymore.

You tell me, when's the last time I've had a bit of Meissen or Clarice Cliff

from the round hey?

ALBERT: err?

HAROLD: Exactly.

And it's not only the shows on telly, it's everything.

There's magazines, reference books, the internet and their even offering

evening classes on how to spot bargains at the Shephards Bush Adult

Education College.

(Sticks old book under his arm and mimicks old lady)

The old dears answer theirs doors with their Miller's Guides under their arms.

I'm getting away with no bargains you know.

(Chucks book into waste paper bin)

We may as well pack it all up now.

ALBERT: (Looking at Harold sternly)

My dad started this business...

HAROLD: (Interrupting)

Before the start of the last ice age I know! And now it's time to fold it.

ALBERT: There's ways of making money, you just expect it handed to you as usual.

HAROLD: Oh go on then, you resolve our economical slump, go on, you've got all the

bright ideas. We owe in total over £10,000. They've cut off the broadband,

un-installed the Sky TV, disconnected the mobiles, taken back the

computer you had on HP and we're running two bald tyres on the cart out

there.

ALBERT: I've always got backup ideas you know.

(Goes to sideboard and brings out dated metal detector, shows it to Harold)

HAROLD: What good is that?

ALBERT: I'm not a daft old man you know, I've dug us out of debt before and I can do

it again.

HAROLD: You'll have to do a lot of digging with that thing if that's your plan.

ALBERT: This is just to tempt them.

HAROLD: What are you on about?

ALBERT: Look, we have three stables out there right?

HAROLD: Yes, so?

ALBERT: But we have only one horse.

HAROLD: And?

ALBERT: The value of land round here has soared recently, you only have to see the

prices in the local Shephards Bush Gazette, gone crazy it has. So we

sell part of our land. We don't use those two stables, makes no odds to us.

HAROLD: I fail to see father who would want a stable in London, we're the only cart

round here for miles.

ALBERT: It's not the stables they're buying is it? It's the land they stand on, they

build houses and flats anywhere these days.

HAROLD: Who on earth is going to want to build a house next door to this dump?

ALBERT: It's the 'in place' Shephards Bush you know, they're even building one

bedroom penthouses above the public lavs in the High Street.

HAROLD: I think you're clutching at straws again father, no one will buy it.

ALBERT: We'll see.

 

Scene2: Steptoe's living room, Harold brings in the recently delivered local

free newspaper and flicks through to the property section.

HAROLD: I told you father, that's four weeks since the ad went in and you've

had no viewings.

ALBERT: I'm not panicking, we haven't outlayed anything have we?

HAROLD: No, but the debt is rising daily and the cart's hardly ever full.

We have to look at something new, we have to start now.

ALBERT: You're right, it is time.

(Goes to the sideboard and retrieves the metal detector)

HAROLD: Oh, not again.

ALBERT: Where's that tin of 12 gold soveriegns that old Bert left me in his will?

HAROLD: Where they should be, hidden.

ALBERT: The usual place?

HAROLD: Yes.

ALBERT: (Goes over to stuffed bear and sticks his hand up the rear end)

Ah, here we are. Old Bert was a good fellow.

HAROLD: Funny how he's a good fella since he left them to you, before that he was

a pompous twit

ALBERT: (Empties tin of coins onto table)

Right, metal detector and a dozen gold pieces. Think I'll just bury these in the

garden.

HAROLD: You're joking of course?

ALBERT: Of course not.

(Shoves Harold out the way)

Mind out my way.

 

Scene 4: Days later Harold enters the yard to a frenzy of activity and newspaper

reporters. Bulbs flash as Harold dismounts the cart, microphones

are shoved in his face.

REPORTER 1: Did you ever imagine that you were sitting on such an important site?

REPORTER 2: Do you have any comments about the recent finds?

HAROLD: I'm sorry?

REPORTER 1: Do you share the same passion for detecting as your father?

ALBERT: (Pushing reporters aside)

Mind out the way.

(To Harold)

You get inside before you cock everything up.

HAROLD: What's all this about?

ALBERT: Just get inside and get the dinner going.

REPORTER 2: Albert Steptoe, exactly how many did you find?

ALBERT: That's enough questions for this evening, I've got my boy to feed in there.

Go on, clear off!

REPORTERS: Mr Steptoe, one more shot please, with the detector!

ALBERT: (Re-enters house and shoves door close on the reporters)

They're like a swarm of bees out there.

HAROLD: (Standing in hallway with puzzled look)

What's been happening?

ALBERT: They fell for it, didn't they.

(Laughing to himself)

I didn't expect so many reporters though, still, that won't hurt, will just

increase the price.

HAROLD: What are you on about? And why does the yard look like we've had

the Queen round for dinner?

ALBERT: We have to get ready, the auction takes place in less than two hours.

HAROLD: The auction?

ALBERT: Get changed will ya and stop asking questions.

 

Scene 5: At the property auction hall, Albert and Harold standing at back of hall

with catalogue in their hands.

HAROLD: You still haven't told me what we're doing here.

ALBERT: Just keep quiet and listen will you, ours is coming up now.

HAROLD: Ours?

AUCTIONEER: Next we have lot 27, a parcel of land in Oil Drum Land, Shephards Bush.

A small plot of 12 metres squared, next door to Steptoe and Son scrap

Dealers and over looking the A4020 flyover.

I'm sure we are all aware as to the importance of this site after the recent

discovery of 12 gold soveriegns by the current owner Mr Albert Steptoe.

This site is believed to possibly contain a hoard of possible wealth and

history. Subject to these circumstances the valuation is indeed much

higher than the guide price. We may start the auction at £5,000.

HAROLD: You crafty old devil you.

ALBERT: That's just the start off bid.

HAROLD: You don't reckon it will go up?

AUCTIONEER: Can I see £7,250? Thank you, now can I see £7,500?

ALBERT: (Smirking) Old fool am I?

HAROLD: Wait a minute, we have another spare stable, we should bury the...

ALBERT: (Interrupting) They won't fall for it again, this is a one off. When they find out

they've bought a dud, they'll simply stick it back on the market for what it's

worth.

HAROLD: Absolutely nothing.

ALBERT: Exactly. And we'll buy it off back off'em.

AUCTIONEER: Third and final call for lot 27 at £11,000? Sold!

HAROLD: Oh father, you're a proper little gold digger aren't you?